Your 40k Horoscope: Letters to the Editor

This week we want to answer some fan letters from big names in the 40k universe. All of the people below wrote in and asked for their very own horoscope. 

Roboute Guilliman: You try too hard, buddy. You weren’t ever going to be Warmaster, and that’s because Daddy always thought you were a stick in the mud. Blue? You wanted all your kids to dress in blue? What are they wearing, denim? There is something you can do, though. 

Urien Rakarth: You come off as aloof and macabre. It’s hard to get to know you, because you won’t let people in. You’ll find yourself drawn to arts and crafts to express your emotions, but people will find it disgusting because you’re using human flesh. Just always remember that you are, in fact, creepy.

Typhus: Yes. You betrayed everyone. We hate you. Stop asking for your “new horoscope.” It’s not going to change, stinky.

The Emperor: You’ve caused a lot of problems and a lot of people think that you suck. Your list of enemies is as long as 15 battle barges. You seem to regret how poorly you treated your kids, which is admirable. However, that mistake spurred a grim future for humanity where there is only war and a multitude of other races were sucked into this conflict. I don’t have a lot for you, other than maybe be nice to Bobby.

Lucius the Eternal: Some people call you conceited, others, creepy. Most people find your hideous, grotesque, and a menace to living beings all across the galaxy. What you are deep down, is a man who is too obsessed with looking cool. Did you scar your face because chaos whispered in your ear, or because every guy wants a badass scar on his face to impress others? You and I know the answer.

Primaris Psyker Vendellon: I am in fact the voice in your head. Please stop writing in now that you have your answer. Take a nap, get a pedicure, and learn to relax a little bit. You’re too intense, man!

Is there anyone you know who’s itching to know their Horoscope, or just to be judged by the Your 40k Horoscope editor? Let me know in the comments below!

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One Response to “Your 40k Horoscope: Letters to the Editor”

  1. Brian September 9, 2020 4:13 pm #

    Do Ahriman!

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