Howdy, howdy, everyone! I’m Ryan and I’ll be tossing out a little background info on the upcoming release of the Age of Sigmar Idoneth Deepkin.
A Little About Me:
First off, who am I? I’m a veteran of miniature games who’s recently fallen back into love with Warhammer 40k, and discovered the unbridled joy of the straight ‘to hit, to wound’ rules in Age of Sigmar. I’m a narrative driven guy, and all my armies, characters included, are named and have extensive bits of background lore no one except me will ever care about. I’ve also been compared to this guy by my friends:
…because of my obsessions of fixating on an army, collecting it, and then shortly after finishing the army, fixating on yet another army, collecting it, ad infinitum. At the moment, since 40k 8th has released, I’ve put together a World Eaters army, a Harlequin army, a Blades of Khorne warband, Adeptus Custodes, currently working on Thousand Sons, and eyeing up with glee, this upcoming iteration of a bunch of water logged, pointy eared elves, or Aelve, or effs, or whatever GW is calling them these days to protect their IP.
And this is just since last July. Yes, I have a problem.
Anyway, I’m not bragging on my collection, and it definitely isn’t a reflection on my skills as a player, as I suck. It’s really more an indication that I have more disposable income than common sense.
You know, shiny object syndrome.
So, anyway, this upcoming army: The Idoneth Deepkin
Back in the olden days of the Mortal Realms, Teclis and Tyrion, two Aelf super bros, watched as their bud, Morathi whipped up some kick ass warrior maidens to take on She Who Thirsts. Now Teclis, probably a little jealous and envious, after seeing these HAWT warriors, filled with furious wrath and anger, lay waste to all that opposed them, decided he too could make some exceptionally bad ass vanguards to slaughter some vile salacious demons. He probably then figured the best place to do this would be near water, because honestly Sigmar’s lore still is a bit lacking on the sense side. So for whatever reason, he went and sat on a beach, in a puddle, made mud pies, and dreamed of making this:
But instead, I guess he got the recipe wrong, totally went New Coke, and made these instead:
Anyway, he saw what he wrought, was disgusted, went all deadbeat dad on them, and took off, leaving his abandoned baby murder mermen to languish on the shore, probably hoping they’d drown in high tide so he’d never have to show up on a Maury Paternity Test episode and watch as some Aelf wildly writhed on the floor, pointing at him and declaring for all the Mortal Realms to witness the irresponsibility brought forth by an immature god who wanted all the kids but none of the parenting.
You are the father, Teclis.
Well, they did survive and thrive under the sea, probably living in pineapples or something, which is my guess, as GW has yet to publish any background info on their domestic arrangements, and in the process have done pretty well for themselves, as you can see by this photo:
Whoops. Save for the eyes. Seriously Teclis? You forget eyes and YOU’RE upset at the Deepkin? Pot, meet kettle.
Anyway, moving on, GW has posted a few shiny pictures of the upcoming model selection one will be able to procure in your hunt to create an army of militant, maladjusted, and malevolent little tadpoles to wreak havoc across your local FLGS table.
First off, there’s this guy:
I don’t know what his name is going to be, so I’m just going to call him BARNACLE NINJA because I’m forging my own narrative. Isn’t that what you want, GW?
As I was saying, Barnacle Ninja, by his excessive, large, and obviously expensive model, will no doubt be a boss of some sort: a Warlord, Lord of war, Named Character, Cruise Ship Activities Director who dresses well and flirts with your girlfriend while you’re playing Harry Potter trivia. Something like that. My money’s on the last one.
He also seems to be riding some sort of wave into battle, which is going to totally break my immersion unless the codex Battle Tome is going to explain how these guys are dragging the ocean with them over what will most likely be predominantly landlocked battles. Are you gonna throw some new adverse terrain rules in there, Nottingham? Don’t skimp, rules bros.
Seriously, the Derpkin are attacking. What should we do, My Lord? Uh, let’s just head inland a bit more. Keep going until you can’t see the ocean.
In this next family photo, you’ve got Sea Gandalf committing aquatic massacre by bringing the family pets along with him to witness his water park beatdown. I guess he forgot creatures with gills don’t tend to do too well outside of their natural environment. Unless he intentionally means to cause their deaths, which in turn triggers his unbridled rage in the form of an ability that does D6 mortal wounds to the nearest unit. Maybe call it ‘Song of My Fallen Fish,’ or ‘Rage of the Sacrificial Guppies.’
There’s also his footslogging troop choices, obviously, and once again, I’m looking forward to the lore, because how the hell are they fighting the enemy if the majority of them are blind? Now, don’t get me wrong, they look amazing, but if GW tosses in some sort of ‘they’re blind, WS is 6+. Good luck, suckers,’ I’m going to EBAY these things faster than Mariah Carey forgetting the lyrics to her songs during a cheesy New Year’s Eve show.
You notice in the background, the cavalry is riding something resembling lampreys, or eels or something? I’m going to call it: they should’ve totally went Great White Shark instead. Then again, maybe that’s an American fixation of cool. Maybe the Brits never really feared the movie ‘Jaws.’ Maybe their big traumatic aquatic misadventure was a movie involving eels that slithered up through the toilet in your loo and bit you in the bum, then slithered inside you and ate your kidney. maybe the movie was called ‘Loo Eels?’
Finally, there’s this ridiculous thing:
And right off, it also looks amazing, and of course, most likely extremely expensive. I will own this giant irritable sea turtle of the apocalypse, for sure. I’m just curious if GW had a list of sea creatures they were considering, and at the end of a very long and tiring debate over whether they should go with the giant sea terror octopus, or the malevolent manatee of misanthropy, they just said screw it and blindly picked the turtle. The modelers then sighed with relief, because no one knew quite how to sculpt a manatee looking spiteful and filled with rage.
I will be collecting, building, painting, and playing this army, and perhaps you’ll have the chance to read more about my misadventures. Until then, I’ll wait patiently for their release, and plot the road to my aquatic domination over my foes. I will hope that the GW codex Battle Tome will do these Warriors from the Black Lagoon justice, and not ultimately create an weak, useless, and boring army of Idontwant Derpkin. If that does happen, I will be prepared. I’ll just switch my game plan from pillaging and ravaging to basically to buying a candy bar and using my army to reenact my favorite scene from Caddyshack.
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