Stop being a Sissy and Start Going to Tournaments!

Reecius from Frontline Gaming here to throw some fuel on the fire of last week’s BoLS article!

 Hey everyone, last week’s article over at BoLS certainly caused a bit of controversy, so being the low key kind of guy I am I figured the prudent thing to do was to kick the hornet’s nest a little harder this week!

For those who don’t read all my articles, print them out and memorize them, last week I talked about our team’s (Team Zero Comp) experiences at the Golden Throne GT: what we saw as good, what we saw as bad and also asked the community for some feedback on a few ideas we had.

What we got was some good feedback from some folks (thanks to those that contributed!) and a lot of really angry folks telling me I was an idiot! Haha, victory!

I may be an idiot, but I know my tournaments! The thing that amused me the most about last week’s comments was how many folks prefaced their input with: “I hate tournaments, but…”or, “I never go to tournaments, but…” and my personal favorite, “This is why I don’t play 40K anymore,…”

Hahaha, if you don’t go to tournaments, don’t like tournaments and especially if you don’t even play 40K anymore, why in the blazes do you care what we do at tournaments? If we think the best way to play 40K is while wearing a Pink Tutu with a Pizza on our head, then so what?

And guys and gals, my role at BoLS is to talk about competitive 40K. Over at Frtonline we have fluff articles, hobby articles, etc. but here I am tasked with talking about a very specific aspect of the hobby. So, if you hate competitive 40K, why not avoid the inevitable displeasure my content will bring you, unless of course you read it because you WANT something to be negative about…..

But that’s not the point. The point is why you SHOULD go to a tournament!

Yeah, I said it. You, the casual gamer, should go to a tournament. And here’s my case:

  1. It’s a way to prove your manhood! Since all tournament gamers either have small manly bits, didn’t make the sports team in High School, never got Daddy’s affection, or all of the above; the obvious and only way to prove how tough you are is by playing with toys in a competitive manner. If you don’t play to win all the time and by any means necessary (preferably cheating, that shows creativity!), you should be forced to wear a skirt in public and say your name is Sally. Unless your name is Sally, in which case it’s now Gertrude.
  2. You think playing for fun is for sissies! Fun is a word the weak use to describe playing to lose. A real gamer plays only to win and savors nothing so much as the tears of his humiliated opponent who subsequently quits the hobby and hopefully jumps in front of a bus for sucking so hard (that’s actually worth extra points in most tournaments).
  3. For the chicks! Tournament gamers get tons of chicks because they are all total ladies’ men or lots of dudes because they are totally sexy girls. If they aren’t playing with models on the table, then they’re playing with models off the table! In fact, the only thing they are better at than wooing the opposite sex (or same sex if that’s your thing!) is finding n00bs to crush in a game at the FLGS. Preferably if that n00b asks for a game for “fun.” That’s code for: “punish me; I’ve been bad and I deserve to be tabled by turn 2.”
  4. For the money! Tournaments are a way to make tons of loot and be awesome. Money is the third reason you should play in a tournament behind listening to the lamentations of your enemy and the raw sex appeal of being a winner, Charlie Sheen style. With that money, you have to buy Sex Panther cologne, the latest and greatest Net Lists from blue blogs, and Truck Balls for your whip (assuming, of course, that you already have spinner rims).
  5. For the Fame! Tourament Gamers are so awesome they make me want to pee my pants. I’m pretty sure competitive 40K will be on ESPN 8 (The Ocho!) pretty soon. Being famous for 40K is like at least a C level celebrity, maybe a C+ if you’re a total boss. Being famous is better than having real friends!
  6. You hate the Fluff! Fluff is something that should only occur on the set of an adult film, not in a hard boiled battle of egos! Only nerds read; a real gamer just looks at the pretty pictures and crunches numbers, finding the most efficient possible combinations with which to devastate his enemies! Or better yet, make one of those Fluffers run the numbers for you. Math sucks!
  7. You like ruining the hobby! Everyone knows that what happens at tournaments is the way everyone has to play (because we are so awesome, duh!) and as such, your actions at tournaments will have the added benefit of ruining the game for the weak-kneed mama’s boys who don’t play at tournaments! It’s like killing two birds with one stone. Actually, a real gamer kills like, at least three birds with one stone.
  8. You hate painting: Painting is for stinky hippies and liberals. A real tournament gamer only pays for his armies to be painted and then lies about it, taking all the credit! Tell the actual painter to go hug a tree if he gets mad about it and then kick him in the shin.

40K Tournament winnings well spent!

Zardoz is the ideal 40K Champion! You can only hope to rock this hard if you can win the BAO, NOVA, Adepticon and Wargamescon in the same year!

There are some downsides to being a tournament gamer though, believe it or not.

  1. If you lose, you have two options: Commit seppuku as your honor has been lost, or to flip out and kill people. The purpose of the tournament gamer is to flip out and kill people. My friend Mark said that he saw a Tournament Gamer totally uppercut a kid just because the kid opened a window. It’s all about Real, Ultimate Power.
  2. You have to play a power gamer list you copied from the internet. Those are like, obviously the best and if you want to make your own list, test it, fine tune it over time and with experience, you’re an idiot. That never works, just ask anyone who’s ever won a major GT…
  3. You have to pretend to be having fun at tournaments. Since the weaklings who don’t stand a chance of winning force sportsmanship scores on what should be the purest of competitions (competitive 40k, hurr!) you have to pretend to be having a great time spending a weekend drinking beers, chucking dice with like minded individuals while sharing a common love of the hobby.

A real 40K Champ doesn’t let anything get in the way of his enjoyment, either! He also must have a sweet stache like this guy, who I think won Beakycon last year!

So there you have it everyone!

I am sure you are probably stunned right now, and picking up the pieces of your mind (which just got blown). But no worries, there’s room for plenty of sharks in the tank at your next local tournament. So stop being a girly-man and jump into the deep end of the pool, you might just be amazed at how much fun you have!

Oh, and here’s our latest video battle report showing the BEST way to play the BEST list in the game. Make sure to watch the entire video to soak in all the tactical genius!


About Reecius

The fearless leader of the intrepid group of gamers gone retailers at Frontline Gaming!

12 Responses to “Stop being a Sissy and Start Going to Tournaments!”

  1. Alarum August 15, 2012 3:30 am

    I have now signed up for the next tournament to get the money, power and women! Excuse me while I go find the best net list to download. Thank you, I needed a good laugh. Unless you are serious! <..>

    I also don’t understand why people who allegedly hate the game or don’t play spend more time on forums than fanboys like me do. I supose I should be grateful that they make the best net lists and point out the flaws in the lists I post.

    Thanks again, I’m off to wax my stach.

    • Reecius
      Reecius August 15, 2012 10:24 am

      Haha, right? I think the hobby for them became talking crap about people who still play. Doesn’t make any sense, but hey, it is a public forum. Doesn’t mean we can’t tease them!

      And I think I need to grow my handle-bar stache out again, that was super man powered!

  2. Darthdiggler August 15, 2012 3:51 am

    That has got to be the greatest picture of Sean Connery I have ever seen. You should have a life sized cardboard cut out of that and set it up at the table when you play. Then around turn 3 turn to it and say “I told you Dad your plan wouldn’t work!”.

    • Rich with GSI August 15, 2012 7:19 am

      That’s from the movie Zardoz. Probably one of the worst Sci-fi movies ever. GW should make a game out of it.

      • Reecius
        Reecius August 15, 2012 10:22 am

        Agreed! “Penis bad, guns good!”

    • Reecius
      Reecius August 15, 2012 10:23 am

      Hahaha, yes!

  3. Amberclad87 August 15, 2012 4:59 am

    We should start doing tournaments where the top prizes are super models! That way I can walk in to a tournament and say “I’m here to get bitches!” haha

    • Reecius
      Reecius August 15, 2012 10:22 am

      Haha, it will be a Super-painted-model!

  4. edwin August 15, 2012 9:21 pm

    I would gladly go to tournaments, but the ones I find are 2000+ points.

    • Reecius
      Reecius August 16, 2012 11:04 am

      Yeah, that is a bit much, IMO. We are all having more fun at lower points.

  5. J Mac August 16, 2012 9:26 am

    I resent this! My daddy cared for me all my life, you have no idea what you’re talking about!

    I hate you!

    • Reecius
      Reecius August 16, 2012 11:00 am

      You are a weakling that should be castrated so that your weakling genes aren’t passed on into the next generation, Muahahaha!