40K Stoat’s Center Tackles the End of the World

This article is satire

The end is nigh. For the first time ever the game is unbalanced, GW seems uninterested in intervening to fix anything, the meta is awash in a sea of buggies and flyers, and there are naught but cheaters, grifters or charlatans for opponents. Surely we are in a time when men say openly that “Reece and his saints sleep.”

Welcome to 40K Stoat Center your home for clever satirical analysis/vaguely funny reviews/ill informed hot-takes/ philosophical musings. Since a quick scan of the internet tells me we are in the end times of the competitive landscape I figure I would float some suggestions for how to handle it based on a lifetime of studying history and watching movies.

Abandon your posts Flee! Flee for your lives! - Abandon your posts Flee! Flee for your lives!  Dastard Denethor

The Denethor Option
The enemy has breached the walls and all is lost. We must flee the game of 40k and convince others to do so as well. It’s important to note that such measures must be done loudly and without regard of the appropriateness of the situation. Do not wait for other people to bring up the subject instead inflict it upon them at every opportunity (the upcoming US holidays are a ripe opportunity for this.) Also press on people how the imbalanced state of the game will likely spell the end of Games Workshop as a company, the idea of competitive table-top gaming, and quite possibly the universe as it currently exists (bonus points if you do this in the check-out line of your local FLGS as you pick up your pre-order).

The Benedictine Option
The competitive landscape is irredeemable and likely headed for collapse, thus we must create pockets of enlightenment that maintain the “true spirit of the game(TM)”. By gathering together like-minded fellow players in your garage we can wait until the temporary fascination with competitive 40k burns itself out and we can rebuild from the ashes. While the competitive Vandals are ransacking the hobby with their quest for glory and filthy lucre we must keep the old ways by only playing [Pick one: Crusade/8th edition/5th edition/3.5th edition/ *Insert your Preferred Edition here*] as this was when it was truly balanced. You must also consider other enclaves that selected a different option in the previous sentence as well-intentioned but misguided simpletons who need to be converted to the true “Best Edition”.

The Revolutionary Option          
Players of the world unite! For too long the capitalist bourgeoisie have sought to oppress the proletariat thought the manipulation of rules for material benefit. The proles must unite to overthrow these shackles by instituting a revolutionary order where the allocation of good rules are evenly distributed amongst all units according to their need (we will discuss how once we have secured our political hegemony). Once a revolutionary council has been established in 40k we will continue the revolution in other game systems until all are united in a players-paradise and individual codecies are abolished. You have nothing to lose but your chains!  

Ethno-Nationalist Revolutionary Option
As above but it’s just for Australians and New Zealanders complaining about GW prices.

And remember, Frontline Gaming sells gaming products at a discount, every day in their webcart!

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