It should go without saying that everyone in the Dark Millennium are terrible, awful degenerates with no taste. But we can be more accurate than that.
So what sort of anime would each of the races from Warhammer 40K watch? I have consolidated all of my expertise to understand this very important and relevant subject, winnowing away the possibilities until only the unvarnished truth remains. Behold, my magnum opus!
Ultramarines: Opening up with our poster boys, what we want is something so blandly popular so as to make a massive profit, but not something that is actually good, interesting, or worthwhile. It should continue to trudge on despite no one actually really liking it that much, and it should have more successors than any sane person could reasonably count.
Verdict: Sword Art Online
Space Wolves: If we know two main things about the Children of Fenris, they are that one, every one of them is a furry and two, they enjoy bucking dominance hierarchies. For this reason I can see only one incredibly obvious possibility for them.
Dark Angels: So, let’s pool our criteria for this. Strong religious themes, of course; a tale of vengeance across the ages for past sins never fully redeemed, obviously; an antihero protagonist with questionable methods and deep, dark secrets in their past, a must; and finally, a treachery at the penultimate battle that proves somewhat pointless.
Blood Angels: It needs to have vampires, obviously, but since this is anime we have our choice of about a hundred different kinds of vampires. So let’s dig deeper: gory in an artsy way, weirdly focused on the less-interesting characters, and high-minded in its concepts while lowbrow in its execution.
Black Legion: The ex-Sons of Horus are a legion that are obsessed with their own past, both in terms of surpassing it and also abandoning it. At the same time, they can’t help but repeat the mistakes of their forebears, trapped in an endless cycle of repeating the same errors again and again. Also, somehow they are the poster child despite… kinda being a non-entity anymore?
Verdict: The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya: Endless Eight
Death Guard: Papa Nurgle may be all about disease and death, but he’s also all about having a good time and showing his minions the fun in life (or in undeath, as the case may be.) Nothing tickles Papa’s entrails like a little bit of good, old-fashioned gross-out humor, which means we have a surprising blast from the past choice that fits right in with the Death Guard vibe.
Verdict: Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt
World Eaters: Being servants of Khorne, it’s clear that the World Eaters are going to want something gory- which doesn’t actually narrow stuff down a lot, given anime. So let’s hone in further- we want lots of betrayals and one-sided slaughters, a focus on vengeance, and an unrelenting hatred for sorcery and magic, plus a solid side dish of self-loathing.
Thousand Sons: If we’re working with the followers of Tzeentch, what we want is plans within plans within plans. We want plots and counterplots that get so convoluted as to make no real sense, and we want a recurring villain who is bad at his job to a degree that approaches intentional self-sabotage. We would also like some magic, of course, and we definitely want colors and stylings bright and flamboyant enough to make your eyes bleed.
Verdict: Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure
Chaos Daemons: Daemons are creatures of the Warp, meaning that they are composed of raw emotion- although many of them are sentient, their fundamental substance is feeling, not thought, and they often come in myriad forms that are as confusing as they are familiar.
Verdict: Pop Team Epic
Imperial Knights: The noble houses were originally formed to protect humanity from the predations of monsters and behemoths on their home planets, so it only makes sense that they are going to want a show about the same- preferably one with strong militaristic themes and maybe just a hint of weird exclusionary racism. Thankfully, I know the perfect choice for this.
Verdict: Attack on Titan
Astra Militarum: There’s no shortage of military animes to choose from, of course, but let’s go for something that is ostensibly-realistic about mere mortal soldiers being forced to confront the impossible and somehow coming out ahead. We’ll throw in a few “lessons” about sociology that don’t make any sense and then a solid dose of patriotic fervor about the value of sacrifice and we’ve got the perfect choice.
Verdict: Gate: Thus the JSDF Fought There
Adeptus Sororitas: Now, some benighted fools might suggest the likes of Maria Watches Over Us on the basis of it being a religious-themed show with a full female cast, but I will tell you now that is a mistake. The Sororitas are first and foremost a military order, and the show should reflect that. We want holy warriors striking out to destroy the evil powers of an unnatural god and any who would stand between it and them, and if we can get a little dose of identical faces and hairstyles in the mix, well, all the better.
Adeptus Mechanicus: It’s going to be posthuman, obviously. We also want mecha, naturally, and a society that has evolved beyond gender. Let’s also make sure we get a society of divided classes, and poorly-understood technology, and hell, throw in a batch of unfathomable aliens and hypertech in there as well.
Verdict: Knights of Sidonia
Necrons: Obviously, we need supertech in abundance. And we definitely want some transhumanism, but what we want is the really bleak and nihilistic kind that tells us that the end point of all technology is self-destruction. We add some necro-imagery and a solid dose of mental delusions and we have our candidate.
Tau Empire: This one is probably pretty easy to figure out, because the Tau are weebs through-and-through. We obviously are going to pick a mecha anime here, but which one? The Tau definitely want one with lots of screen time dedicated to jerking off to military hardware, and also probably one with political drama the point of which goes completely over their heads.
Verdict: Code Geass and Gundam; as full-blooded weebs, they get two shows.
Craftworlds: What we want here is a show that is too good for you. A show that everyone knows about and most people have seen, but no one can actually tell you what the heck it is about. There’s flying swords, you see, but the spaceships are actually a metaphor for mankind’s desires, and oh you actually should read the novel first or else you won’t understand the references and I hope you’re not photosensitive because some people get seizures from the show. We want a show that is at once both perfect and unwatchable, a real disaster of an unrivaled art piece.
Verdict: The Count of Monte Cristo
Drukhari: The Dark Kin are every edgy fourteen year old, all about blood and sex and gore and violence and being cool and crossing boundaries. They definitely want something gothic and fantastical. We want just enough artistry to seem pretentious, but not enough to have any actual deep meaning beyond “wow, isn’t this shocking?”
Verdict: Goblin Slayer
Orks: There is nothing Orks like more than fighting, so obviously this is going to be a shounen anime. They also like getting stronger from fights, which cements their choice of genres. But Orks also like super powers, and especially super powers that make absolutely no sense to anyone. This narrows things down somewhat, and with this we can add the final piece of the puzzle: Orks prefer a roaming, nomadic lifestyle that takes them on long journeys and has no real end in sight. With this, the choice is clear.
Verdict: One Piece
And remember, you can get wargaming supplies at great discounts every week from the Frontline Gaming store, whether you’re looking to start a new army or expand an existing one. You can also get infinite anime, but only if you know the secret passcode to tell the operators.