Space Marines are the ultimate warriors in the Imperium, superhuman killing machines that know neither fear nor respite from battle. But have you ever sat down and talked with one?
Shadow of a Memory
Say, brother, didn’t we used to have… tanks?
What do you mean, brother?
Well, I just feel like I remember us having these… large, armored vehicles that we would drive around in at one point. Quite a lot of them, as I recall.
Do you mean our company’s Outrider squads? They are the finest striking force a brother could ask for, quick on the move and brutal in their persecution of the heretics. We still have those.
No, brother, I mean vehicles. Large ones. Big enough to carry many of our brethren into battle simultaneously. I feel like we had them by the hundreds, not long ago, so plentiful that they must have been provided to us practically without cost or limitation. And even larger ones as well, with immense firepower that could terrify any foe, no matter their armor save.
Our go-carts have a Multimelta on them. Maybe that’s what you’re thinking of.
No, no, this was even bigger than our go-carts.
Bigger than the go-carts? I fear you suffer under the taint of the Warp, brother, for you are speaking nonsense.
The Key Words
…And so I say to you, son of the Imperium, rally forth your righteous rage and destroy those who would stand against all that is good and pure in our world! Crush the traitors! Crush the heretics! Crush the unbelievers and the xenos, for they deserve naught but death unending!
Yes, for we shall- wait, what?
Nah. I ain’t feeling it.
N… not “feeling it?”
Yeah. I’m not Core. Doesn’t do anything for me.
Well why didn’t you say something sooner! I’ve been up here for however long a phase lasts chaunting the holy word of the Codex Astartes to you when you aren’t even gonna be able to reroll your own farts with it!
It seemed rude to interrupt.
Chaos and Confusion
Brother… are we the ones working for Chaos?
That is blasphemy, brother! Why would you ever ask such a question?
Well, brother, how does one know the taint of Chaos?
It’s simple- the followers of the Dark Gods are ignorant of the true aims of their lords, following blindly no matter what is asked of them. And they are brutal in their acts of vengeance, reveling in the slaughter of innocents. Furthermore, they they are warped and twisted in their visage, their evils made manifest upon their bodies.
In contrast, a Space Marine is unquestioning in his loyalty, needing only to be given an order to carry it out unfailingly no matter the cost. And where we see our foes we strike without hesitation, taking a grim joy in the destruction of our foes wherever they may hide. And our bodies are consecrated by the holy changes of our transformation into Astartes, raising us up above the common run of man.
Besides, they wear skulls on their armor!
We wear skulls on our armor, brother.
Yes, but we don’t flaunt them. We wear tasteful skulls.
So the difference between the vile creatures of Chaos and the holy defenders of the Imperium… is fashion?
Pray never that line you cross, brother. Now get back to blinging out your armor; I would suggest some gold spinners and the fingerbones of a saint on your right gauntlet.
Math is Bad Civilization
THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE ADEPTUS ASTARTES; WE HAVE MADE LANDFALL UPON YOUR PLANET, WHICH HAS BEEN FOUND IN DEFIANCE OF THE EMPEROR’S LAW. SURRENDER IMMEDIATELY OR BE DESTROYED.
Hold on, you guys are Space Marines?
Y-yes? What of it?
Well, it’s just… there’s only a thousand of you per chapter, right?
A thousand of the finest warriors humanity has ever seen, yes.
And you didn’t all show up here. You’ve got, what, one battle barge with fifty guys onboard?
Each one of which is a match for ten thousand of the enemy in battle!
Okay but there’s literally twenty billion people on this planet.
I fail to see your point.
You don’t even have enough guys to put one squad on each continent. You think that we’re gonna surrender because we heard about some dude with a nice sword 1,600 miles away?
The Astartes have never been defeated in battle!
We ain’t gonna battle you, man. You could kill ten of us every minute for the rest of your superhuman lifespan and you wouldn’t even noticeably affect the mortality statistics for this place. I’m just gonna hide inside a giant pile of human waste and wait for you to make a mess of your armor coming to get me.
ANOTHER PLANET CONQUORED BY THE ADEPTUS ASTARTES IN THE NAME OF THE ALMIGHTY EMPEROR! WE HAVE ROOTED OUT ALL TRACES OF REBELLION, AND NOW WE MUST MOVE ON TO GREATER WORKS! GLORY BE HIS NAME, CITIZENS!
See you again in fifty years?
In fifty years, yes.
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