The Imperial Infantryman’s Guide to Satire

Morale is just as important as ammunition or rations to the effectiveness of a fighting force, which is why the Imperial Infantryman’s Uplifting Primer contains a complete and exhaustive guide to the ways it is acceptable to use satire.

As a proud servant of the Emperor and the first line of defense against xenos and heretic alike, it is the duty of every Guardsman to ensure that they are fit and ready to fight at all times- physically and mentally. Although faith in the Imperial Truth and the Light of Humanity is sufficient to sustain members of the Ecclesiarchy and Adeptus Astartes, the Administratum recognizes that the rank and file require certain amusements during non-engagement periods in order to achieve acceptable levels of mental stability. Thus, the following Rules of Levity apply to all non-commissioned officers on active duty status, whether in a combat zone or otherwise.

Rules of Levity

(i) Each member of a regimental apparatus is required to tell wise at least one (1) time per week, and not less than once in every ten consecutive (or sixteen nonconsecutive days), approved leave and Section IIIa-ii considerations nonwithstanding unless otherwise mentioned.

(ia) Approved jokes may be from any topic desired by the infantryman, except as denoted in the appendix below. Use of a prohibited or nonapproved joke may result in summary execution.

(ii) All jokes should be submitted to a regimental officer for pre-approval, at which point the officer can approve the approval submission process to a Commissar or other Morale Supervision specialist of Class VI or higher. These jokes will be reviewed and returned for use in a timely manner. Failure to receive such a joke in a timely fashion may result in summary execution.

(iii) Infantrymen must not to share jokes, nor should jokes be re-used more than two (2) times unless special release has been granted by a Morale Supervision specialist. Such release cannot, however, heretofore approve any jokes which have been prohibited by explicit consent of regimental or sectorial authority, unless permission is backdated from prior approval. Failure to understand the previous sentence may result in summary execution.

(iv) No infantryman may defame the reputation of the dog of any officer, nor that dog’s whelps or adult children, under any circumstances. Doing so may result in summary execution.

(v) An infantryman must have their joke clean and presentable at all times, subject to the inspection by the Commissariat. Failure to do so may result in summary execution.

Appendix 1: Prohibited Joke Topics

Use of a prohibited joke topic, submission of a joke of prohibited joke topic, or joking about the prohibition of joking about prohibited joke topics by any infantryman is grounds for summary execution.

  • The divinity of the Ecclesiarchy and its members, or their grooming habits, or their dress habits, or any scents to be found in the area when the Ecclesiarchy or its members are nearby.
  • The activities, positive or otherwise, of any officer of superior standing that could be seen in a disparaging fashion.
  • Disparaging comments about an infantryman’s Standard Combat Equipment, or of the Forge Worlds that may have produced them, or any scents to be found in the area when those Forge Worlds are nearby.
  • Any comparison of a known or unknown xenos or heretical individual, past, present, or future.
  • Jokes which would produce longing for, or fondness of, one’s home sector, or which are likely to arouse mutinous sentiment.
  • Jokes speaking disparagingly of any deployment sector, past, present, or future, or which are likely to arouse mutinous sentiment.
  • Any jokes mentioning, or which could be construed as mentioning, a member of a superior caste, or which criticize the existence of castes that the Imperium does not have as all men are equal in the eyes of the Emperor.
  • Any jokes lambasting, roasting, mocking, or otherwise subverting the list of prohibited joke topics.
  • Any and all jokes which are, or could be perceived as subverting the status quo or stability of the Imperium of Man.

REMEMBER: REGIMENTAL MORALE IS YOUR DUTY, TOO! THE LIVES OF YOUR FELLOW INFANTRYMEN TOMORROW MAY DEPEND ON THE JOKES YOU TELL TODAY!

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AbusePuppy is the one who has been ruining 40K for everyone this whole time. He is also searching for the six-fingered man and is one of the three people who know the secret recipe for coke (not the soda, the illegal drug.)

One Response to “The Imperial Infantryman’s Guide to Satire”

  1. Michael Corr
    Michael Corr January 14, 2021 1:28 am #

    Wait, is this article satire?!?

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