Your 40k Horoscope

Space Marines: Everything is lining up for you. You’re on top of the world and feel invincible. But remember, you are not perfect. Take a stab at making some new friends; try leaving your previous attitude of judging the unknown leading to mass murder at the door. 

Tyranids: You may find yourself especially hungry today, little monster. People may be abnormally annoying, and you may want to do something about it. Forces beyond your control tell you to do so with reckless abandon! Try that tasty bicep or a scrumptious liver. A thigh, rib, or deltoid! At the end of it, be sure to clean your teeth out with a bone appropriate to the size of your teeth. Femurs if you’re big, ulnas if you’re small.

Genestealer Cults: Deceit has always been the way forward for you. You’ve lied, cheated, and stolen your way to a somewhat prestigious position in your life as someone’s bootlick. But you’ve been feeling restless. Irritable. Like you want more out of life. Take today and make a list of ways you can turn over a new leaf, maggot!

Necrons: If you’re feeling like you need to get out of your shell, now is time to do it. You’ve been asleep in your own world for far too long it’s time to wake up and go smell the roses; wherever that path might lead you. Perhaps you’ll commit global genocide. Perhaps you’ll imprison heroes of humanity and other alien races in your giant stasis pyramid. All you know now is that your C’Tan sign is in full eclipse, and it’s time to seize the day.

Blood Angels: Give in to your anger. yes, let your hatred consume you. all those raw emotions you’ve been feeling towards family members, coworkers, friends, enemies, chaplains, battle-brothers, imperial guard commanders, and really anybody who gets in your way. 

Slaanesh: You need to get laid! I mean, what else is new?

Catachan: Every day for you is leg day. And while you’ve never quit a day in your life, and you shouldn’t, it’s ok to take a break every once in a while. As long as your faith in the emperor and your orders in strong, you can take a day off from the gym, and slaying heretics, to go lay in a hammock.

Iron Hands: Nobody really likes you. But you know this. You have the resolve and personality of a bag of bricks, but that’s ok with you. You’re a winner. You’re the champ! So you will continue to wake up in the morning and feel like it can’t get better, and no one will be your friend; remember that it’s true.

Asuryani: You have a bad track record in decision making. You partied too much and it came back to bite you. Your evil twin brother has a hell of a lot more fun than you do, and you’re really upset about it, so all you focus on is self-improvement. You think, if I can be better than Drew-Carey, then people will like me! Well, it’s not true. No one likes you.

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