If Unit Entries Were Even More Honest

Bad units still ain’t good.

pyro

Pyrovore

Foremost amongst the feeder organisms of the Tyranid swarm is the Pyrovore. Its hulking, bloated form drips with acidic digestive juices capable of dissolving nearly any material in seconds, for the Pyrovore is a veritable walking stomach designed to break down organic matter for consumption. However, like the stomach of most creatures, a Pyrovore is really nothing but a liability during a battle and has no place being anywhere near the front lines- at best, it will be a momentary target for the enemy’s weapons before it explodes with a messy “pop” that leaves a rank acidic odor reminiscent of week-old beef hanging thick in the air.

A Pyrovore’s true power, however, lies in that most childish of weapons- the Flamespurt. As it digests its meal, flammable gasses are produced in the Pyrovore’s gullet and can be expelled from its maw to be ignited in a blast of fire that will incinerate the unwary. It can, in other words, light its own farts at the enemy  SO HARD that they die- a truly undignified end for even the most desperate of Imperial Guard grunts.

Imperial bio-magos have noted a disconcerting similarity between the Pyrovore’s form and the… the reproductus of human males. Whether this similarity is intentionally engineered by the Hive Mind in order to unnerve opponents or whether it is some hideous cosmic coincidence is beyond speculation, but the fact remains undeniable and it has kept many a magos awake at night, pursued by dreams of a six-meter high flame-gushing dick driven by a rabid hunger.

possess

Possessed

Many are the gifts of chaos, and like the gifts given to children on Yule’s Eve not all of them are equally useful. Some great champions of Chaos might grow wings that allow them to soar on Empyrean winds, or reflexes of electric speed, or a corpulence that can absorb unreasonable amounts of punishment. Others are not so fortunate, because as it turns out randomness very rarely works out in one’s favor; pity the poor Aspiring Champion who has been “blessed” with a fifth spleen or with an extra set of (nonfunctional) arms growing from their face and back.

The ranks of Possessed sit firmly in the latter category, despite the immense effort required to create them. Daemons, as creatures not of the materiel universe, have very little understanding of how the world of flesh and matter functions and as a result the strange mutations they bring with them are rarely of any use at all. Creatures of ultimate nightmare they might be, but all the body horror in the world won’t stop a Boltgun round from tearing through the glistening, unarmored flesh-sack that has replaced your legs and rendered you all but immobile. Many of their mutations do, in fact, enhance the combat prowess of their bearer at close rangers (such as is the case with extra sets of slavering jaws or rending limbs) but in a galaxy where cannons the size of a sky-scraper are commonplace, such enhancements are only marginally more useful than a glistening flesh-sack.

furioso

Furioso Dreadnought

Every Dreadnought hosts a mighty hero of their chapter, entombed for all time within a living sarcophagus of adamantine and ceramite- or at least this is the case for Codex Astartes-compliant Dreadnoughts, at least. The Blood Angels chapter (as well as their brethren the Space Wolves) have chosen to entomb the most deluded idiots of their organization, however, and as a result they are vastly inferior to those of the Ultramarines and other chapters. Though the robotic enhancements give a Furioso Dreadnought the power of a wrecking ball with every blow, its clumsy and uncoordinated efforts mean that only the unluckiest of combatants will happen to be in range when it throws a temper tantrum and stomps one or two of them to death. For anyone else, the Furioso’s stubby arms and waddling legs mean that it is simplicity itself to escape the wrath of the doddering idiot trapped within the metal shell.

electro

Electro-Priests

Divided into two sects wracked by internecine disputes, the Electro-Priests are the 41st century equivalent of the Console Wars of old Earth. The Fulgurite sect believes that the one true way of the Machine God is to slay their enemies in close combat, the better to steal back the electrical life-force they possess and consecrated it to the Omnissiah; however, they neglect to wear any armor when striding into battle, a mistake that comes back to haunt them in the moments before their frail human bodies are shredded by the advanced war technology of the future millenia. While such a mistake is wholly understandable when it comes to throwback cultures like those of many agri-worlds, it is truly baffling when coming from a priesthood whose very credo is that of technological advancement and the replacement of flesh with machine- for surely even the lowest members of the heirarchy could be spared a suit of mail or other protection in the image of a machine?

Their brothers of the Corpuscarii sect look down on such foolishness with contempt, though their own methods are little better. Determined to prove the Machine God’s worth through ranged combat, they choose as their weapon the most short-range and uncontrolled (as well as easily-shielded) forces of wild lightning. Able to strike a target at distances of approximately the same distance as a thrown rock, the Corpuscarii have harnessed the mightiest technologies in the known universe in order to craft weapons that would lose a stand-up fight with a group of slingers- troops that, one should remember, went obsolete approximately 45 centuries prior when the bow was invented.

That the two groups are so individually incompetent is laughable in and of itself, but what truly pushes the spectacle into the realm of farce is their ongoing feud over which is “superior.” Like those aforementioned Console Wars, both groups are utterly convinced of not only their own righteousness but also of the utter inanity of their opponents, somehow missing that the whole rest of the universe considers them both to be a laughingstock and utterly blind to the triviality of the distinction they make about an unimportant issue. None of this has stopped their schism from driving a deep wedge of resentment between the two priesthoods, however, and their seething battle over which way to fail their god is most holy periodically boils over into spasms of incompetent violence.

 

 

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About abusepuppy

AbusePuppy is the one who has been ruining 40K for everyone this whole time. He is also searching for the six-fingered man and is one of the three people who know the secret recipe for coke (not the soda, the illegal drug.)

19 Responses to “If Unit Entries Were Even More Honest”

  1. westrider June 14, 2016 7:47 am #

    What’s particularly amusing to me about Possessed is that, of the two common “Lost to the Ravages of Chaos” outcomes, they’re supposed to be the more badass, and yet Spawn kick their asses nine ways to Sunday.

    • Threllen June 14, 2016 10:23 am #

      Chaos Spawn – barely any more expensive than Possessed but they are tougher, have 3 wounds, and move like Beasts. GW design philosophy at its finest.

      • Loofanator June 15, 2016 3:49 am #

        Spawn also have no saves at all, just saying

      • Lord Krungharr June 15, 2016 4:35 am #

        But spawn are only WS3 and Init 3 and have no saves and random attacks. Crimson Slaughter possessed are pretty good, and objective secured as they’re troops for them.

        • Lord Krungharr June 15, 2016 4:35 am #

          And their sacks glisten more brightly than most!

        • Threllen June 15, 2016 5:14 am #

          You act like random attacks are a bad thing. They have a 1/6th chance to have less attacks than possessed. Otherwise they’re the same or better. I’ll take no save when it means I get T5, 3W, 12″ move. Possessed are nothing but a twice-as-expensive, melee-only CSM that still dies to bolter fire and has few reliable ways to get anywhere outside of expensive FW options.

        • westrider June 15, 2016 2:34 pm #

          Against anything worse than S10 (for non-Nurgle Spawn) and AP3, the extra Wounds are statistically identical to the 3+ Sv, but tend to provide more reliability.

          Against Weapons with AP3 or better, the Spawn become substantially more durable, and, in particular, are ludicrously more durable against Grav.

          Neither have Assault Grenades, so Init is often a moot point on that crucial first Turn.

          • donthemagnificent June 16, 2016 11:06 am
            #

            don’t forget the increase in toughness

  2. Vercingatorix June 14, 2016 8:31 am #

    I love these articles. I don’t know about the consul wars. I’ll have to look it up.

    • Vercingatorix June 14, 2016 8:33 am #

      Wait a second, is that console like xbox? Lol, I’m sitting here trying to remember if any of the roman civil wars were also called Consul wars.

      • westrider June 14, 2016 12:01 pm #

        Yeah, he’s talking Xbox vs Playstation, or Nintendo vs Sega back in the day.

        • Dakkath June 14, 2016 3:32 pm #

          Seeing as Nintendo won theirs, does that mean they’re waiting for the winner of the current war so they can go to the final pairing?

  3. Petey Pab
    Petey Pab June 14, 2016 8:31 am #

    These are great Abusepuppy! Keep it up.

  4. AngryPanda June 14, 2016 11:47 am #

    I somehow think that this sort of thing would be the only way to show GW that some of their units just don’t work. I don’t think they undertsand rules explanation or tactics articles. But since this is kept in their own over the top 80s metal lyric language they might just be able to grasp it.

  5. Nathan Fluger June 14, 2016 11:58 am #

    I’m just going to point out that slingers were super effective even into the middle ages in a side by side comparison to archers. They were easier to train and their weapons were easier to manufacture (both the missiles and the launchers). The advantage archers had over slingers was that slingers require more personal space (because of the spinning) and therefore can’t be put in good rank and file. While the ranges and accuracies of slings were similar to bow and arrows, they were phased out as anything other than skirmishers because they couldn’t put a weight of fire into a small enough footprint.

    • Cj June 14, 2016 9:40 pm #

      Hahaha I knew when reading it that a history buff would jump on the idea that slings were obsolete after bows!

      • Dakkath June 15, 2016 5:51 am #

        And then there was crossbows.

    • abusepuppy June 15, 2016 8:02 am #

      Slings did see use for the reasons you mention well into the Middle Ages, but from any kind of technical perspective they were inferior to a decent bow for a long, long time. They are inferior against almost all types of armor (especially when taking into account the various specialized arrowheads that could be manufactured for use against different targets), had inferior range, suffered from footprint issues, could not carry as much ammo (though it was admittedly easier to procure), and had an inferior rate of fire. Moreover, a bow could be fired from horseback, as many of the steppe tribes demonstrated so bloodily time and time again over the centuries.

      Good archers were certainly harder to train and bows harder to come by, but for entities that had the resources to train and equip a professional military class (which was the direction Europe was trending, to say nothing of China or other areas) there was no real reason to choose a sling over a bow. You could still make the same sort of comparison today between, say, propeller and jet aircraft- while propeller craft certainly are still used and have some very niche advantages, by any realistic standard they went obsolete as soon as the jet engine became viable.

      • Nathan Fluger June 15, 2016 9:08 pm #

        They weren’t obsolete though…

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